I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
