If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i would punch a child for taco bell
there's paper in my vomit.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
