How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
