The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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