hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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