i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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