you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
