why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
