Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
