I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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