Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
