I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
