its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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