what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize