so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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