the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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