I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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