we're blogging at a bar
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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