I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
