I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
