see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
