My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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