That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
