Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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