I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
