The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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