Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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