I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
