I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
