The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
