Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
we're so committed to being not committed
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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