I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize