I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
