My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
