You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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