The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
