just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Randomize
