The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
