Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
