sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
