Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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