Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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