A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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