In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
