shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize