i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
