Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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