Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
