Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
