The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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