Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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