You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
