i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
