Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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