dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
