Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
