he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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